I Wish I Could, But I Cannot
by Achilles1011
Summary: Spoilers for the end of 4x05. As Lauren walked away she started to wonder about the situation she had found herself in this time and what she should do about the future, especially a certain brown haired succubus.


As Lauren walked away she could practically feel Bo's eyes drilling into the back of her head, but she had to keep walking away. There was no looking back this time; there was no second chance for them right now. Bo needed to sort herself out, she needed to sort out Dyson, she needed to sort out Tamsin, they would need to talk extensively if they were ever to even stand a chance. But that was in the future, that was far in the future.

For now she had to focus on saving herself, on finding the courage to stand on her own two feet again, to relearn independence, to relearn movements and patterns that she had forgotten.

Right now she needed to focus on herself, she was a human trapped in the Fae world, she would always be enslaved, she would always be owned. The least she could do was pick her own gilded cage, or so she told herself. She was not the only person the dark had after all; there was someone that was depending on her this time, a little like Nadia, although this time Crystal wasn't in a coma kept alive by a pod.

What she had told Bo was true, there were no contracts or binding agreements, there was only the threat of one more life being added to her death toll. Something the Dark had somehow become aware of, she shouldn't be surprised, the room was bugged and had a camera in it. They had been dragged through the dirt, thrown in a cell, little food or water for some time. So she had agreed to work for them on so long as Crystal went free, was treated for her anaphylaxis and set free, she had nothing to do with the Fae, she had just been someone doing a job, trying to fulfill a dream.

She should have known that the Dark wouldn't fully comply, instead they hung Crystal over her head, she was still being held somewhere, apparently in much better conditions then before, although by how much she did not know. A loose end that needed to be tied, a life that could be ended at any moment, she had to lie to Bo, tell her she was with them completely of her own terms, that she was free.

But still, someone had sought her out someone had needed her. Unfortunately the people who sought her out were not the ones she had expected or wanted, although she was a little relieved in all honesty, there was no more running, no more hiding. The threat of the Una Mens also hung over her head, she was wanted for her part in Taft's lab, despite being the ones to take them down, despite being the person to save the Fae from a megalomaniac.

She was a terrorist instead, again, on the run until the Dark had captured her, it had been a relief in someways, but not the person she had wanted.

She had meant what she said when she said she wasn't angry with Bo, she didn't fully understand the circumstances, but she knew that Bo had disappeared.

She had just found herself wishing that it had been Bo that found her, not the Dark, but perhaps that was for the best. If Bo had found her, they would have more then likely fallen back into there old pattern, hurt and be hurt, be betrayed used, thrown aside. She wouldn't stand for it anymore.

She wasn't mad at Bo, she never had been, when she had seen her standing next to Evony she had been so relieved to see her, she had wanted to embrace her right then and there, to take her and reclaim her from all the hands that had touched her, remind her who she should be with.

But she had not. It was not the time, it was not the place. There was so much that needed to be said, so much that was said from there meeting in that room, a rough and frenzied coupling, unlike their usual love making.

It had been a relief to see that the other was alive, a reaffirming of the fact that they were both okay. In some ways it had been a promise of more, or at least that was how Bo appeared to have taken it.

It was not. She had called the break for a reason, she had left for a reason, although there was no doubt in her mind that if she had found out that Bo was missing she would have come charging right back heedless of the danger to herself because like it or not she loved Bo. She loved her too much sometimes and that was the problem in someways. She needed to step back and put herself first, to learn how to stand up and how to be independent again, a part of that was asserting her needs. If Bo really wanted her then she would stick around, they would have their talks, they could discuss what went wrong with their relationship. They could really and truly get to know each other, to reconnect and then maybe something could come of it, although if it would be friendship or more, she was not sure yet.

She would not stop herself from seeing Bo, she would not stop herself from being there for her when she was needed, she never had and she never will. But right now she had another person who needed her to keep up the façade of wishing she could be away from the succubus, because Crystal needed her to do that just as much as she needed herself to do that.

Lauren sighed and hit the elevator to go down to her quarters, they were just as nice as her old ones, an almost mirror in many ways, simply in darker colours, constantly reminding her of her new allegiances. She was grateful in for the new quarters, if she had been returned to her old ones, she would have had to live with the memories that each of those rooms held, each piece of furniture, the touches, the words, the moments, she would have to relive it all.

The words Bo had said to her before she left had stung. "When you're ready to return to your real family…"

Lauren sighed, had Bo not realized that she was family? But sometimes family meant letting people go out on their own, to make their own mistakes, to fall and to pick themselves back up. It simply meant being there for them when they were ready to return to you. Bo and Kenzi, Trick and Hale, even Dyson in a way, were her family by choice, rather then her family by nature.

But she also had to accept that she was human, that as hard as she tried she would never fully fit into this world. Bo was Fae, she would outlive her by hundreds of years, she would never be enough to sustain a succubus. Their love was illegal in the eyes of the Fae, you don't fall in love with the food, you use it and discard it as appropriate. Fondness is allowed, why else would they tolerate Bo and Kenzi, but never love in the way she loves Bo.

No they were forbidden and they both had to accept that, especially with the Una Mens in town. If they ever found out about her relationship with Bo, that it had been a full blown romantic partnership, they could both be executed for treason.

She needed to distance herself from Bo to protect them both, with the Dark she was hidden, she was protected from the Una Mens. Despite what Bo had said, that she would fight for her, that she would protect her. It was a pipe dream, an unrealistic scenario at best.

The fact that Bo had offered to claim her had hurt. She had thought Bo would fight for her freedom, but being claimed by her would only mean another gilded cage, a different owner, but still not free.

With Bo she felt free, she wanted them to be partners, of equal standing in a relationship. Not one owning the other, it would be catastrophic, it would destroy anything that they could build together. Yet Bo was too naïve to see it, she had changed from the woman she had fallen in love with, most of the time it was hard to see, but in small moments such as the one they had shared outside of Evony's office, it became plain that something had changed. She wasn't sure if it was simply being around the Fae for as long as she had been or if something else was going on, but Bo had obviously changed, and not in a good way.

It would take longer and more observation to confirm what she thought, but in those small moments it was obvious. Lauren sighed and shook her head, or it could have been flaws that were there the entire time and she had just never noticed, to blinded by love. A fool in love is a fool twice blinded, and she was a love sick fool when it came to Bo, or at least she had been.

No more, there would be no more Dr. Lewis the person you could walk on and then walk away from. She was sick of the Fae and their bullshit, but she couldn't leave this world, whether she liked in or not she was tied to this world, she was tied to the people that inhabited it, the person she loved was a creature who belonged in it. And that meant that she could not run.

So if she could not run she would fight, she would take care of herself this time because there was no one else for her to rely on, and there was someone who was depending on her to ensure their safety again. Except this time she wasn't doing it because of obligations to a girlfriend, she was doing it because Crystal had gotten dragged into this world because of her. So for exactly the same reasons.

Lauren sighed and shook her head, bringing her keys out of her medical bag, she would need to change and go to the lab for a little while, check in on her latest experiments. The Dark had some very interesting plants in their greenhouses, access to some other very interesting substances.

She would do the work they asked of her, so long as she wasn't restricted in any way in her movement and choices, free to do her own research, so long as Crystal remained safe, she would treat anyone they asked her too, protection from the Una Mens and she would ignore everything that was happening around her with little complaint And a new condition, so long as Bo was safe, so long as she was protected, she would do what they asked of her with no complaint.

If there was the slightest hint hat any of these would be infringed upon she would walk away, once it was safe she would more then likely walk away anyways. If the opportunity ever came for her to be free in more ways then she was now, she would take it without hesitation. She would put herself above everyone for the most part, the only time that may become compromised would be a risk to Bo's safety, in that case she would stop at nothing to ensure that she became safe once again.

But a romantic relationship with her again? Out of the question until they both sort themselves out, until something happened that they would not risk their individual safety by being together. To much and to many personal issues that they both needed to face. Subconsciously she also added that Bo needed to make a choice, she needed to make a choice and stick with it.

If it was Tamsin or Dyson, then it would hurt, it would hurt like hell, but she would be able to move on hopefully, no, she knew she would more then likely be stuck pining for Bo for a long time after. But it would offer some closure at least, allow her to move on and attempt to be happy again.

If it was her, then Bo would need to show her, in both words and actions. She was not going to walk back into their relationship only for the same things to happen again. If Bo was truly going to fight for her, then it had to be in actions and changed behaviours, not only paying lip service to it. She would not allow herself to be placed last again, she needed to know that Bo had chosen her, and would stick by her choice, not abandon her for Dyson, a specter whom constantly lured over their relationship, not leave her for Tamsin, the newest addition to the love quadrilateral.

Although based on the rumours she had heard, Tamsin was of little consequences. She was a newly reincarnated Valkyrie, fully grown but no memories, little more then a child mentally at this point.

Bo needed to sort out her and Dyson, she needed to figure out what their relationship was, what her feelings for him were. She could not be constantly watching over her shoulder, fearing that he would forever be looming. It could not happen again. She could not bounce back and forth between them any longer, it was time to put the triangle to bed, or quadrilateral as it had become. To give all parties closure and a chance to move on.

So until she got an indication, until she saw some action on Bo's part, until she saw actions, until she saw change, she would continue to be there for her, she would continue to love her. Neither of those were things that she would help, neither of those were things she could control. But she would not open herself up to being hurt like that again.

If, and it was a big if, she ever thought they stood a chance, she would go and retrieve the necklace, give it to Bo. Tell the succubus what she had done for her in the past. It was perhaps bought as a goodbye present, but it would not be anymore, it would be their promise.

But until she saw any indication of change, any movement, any action, verbal confirmation, talking, lots and lots of talking. She would not budge, there was no going back, there was only going forward, what that looked like right now she didn't know, but she had some hope for change.

She would always love Bo, that much was certain, but whether anything came about from that love was now firmly a ball in Bo's court.


End file.
